It’s been a rough 90 days, integrating back into the working world. At least one day a week, I have to really hunker down and fight off the urge to quit. Once you quit a high-paying job, like I did last year, it’s much easier to do it a second time. When I don’t find myself downright pissed off, I try to laugh at the Dilbertness of it all.
Yeah, that’s hard. It’s just not that funny when it’s your life.
The best part of the new job is that my boss went to a lot of effort to find me a place to sit where there is almost no foot traffic. I’ve realized that I am far more sensitive to everything than I want to be and having a quiet spot is truly priceless. I don’t have this weird need for "face time" like so many of my peers – maybe because I don’t buy in to the career path theory. I really want to be under the radar as much as possible. No recognition; no reward; just getting the job done.
There are good moments and I’ve made some new friends. But mostly I’m refilling my bank account and hoping I can stick with it long enough to feed myself for a while after I quit again. I told my husband I would try to stay for five years, but after the first five days I realized that probably wouldn’t happen.
The commute averages 70 minutes a day, round trip. It’s a lot of stop-and-go highway traffic. I don’t really mind it, but that kind of driving makes me nervous about having little fender-bender accidents. I listen to NPR and try not to give the bird to the countless people who cut me off and then honk at me for good measure. I’m not an aggressive driver, but that’s more due to the car I drive than my own personality. There is a reason I chose a four-cylinder engine – it’s for your safety as well as mine.
There is a bit about working that makes everything else surreal, particularly when you head upwards of 60 hours a week. At first I could do no more than eat and sleep and work. It was all-consuming. Now it’s just consuming. Some days I can eat, sleep, work and read. Today, I ate, slept, worked and wrote.
Today is a good day.
Pride Tastes Like Shit
March 31st, 2009 Posted in Everything Else | 5 Comments »
Ask me how I know.
I rarely have to swallow my pride. I liked to think of myself as being far more self-aware than the rest of those pride-swallowers out there.
Then the economy disappeared, and then I started a very long search for a job, and then I realized my best opportunity would be to go back to work for the company I unceremoniously left a year ago.
And now I have to swallow my pride and let me tell you, it tastes like a big ol’ shit sandwich.
When I left that company, I gave the usual notice and didn’t burn any bridges. I didn’t leave for greener pastures and I told them that. I’ve been self-employed since I left, but the term is somewhat of a misnomer if you were to look at my tax return. I kept in touch with several good friends, one of whom is going to be my new boss. So, you’d think it wouldn’t be that difficult to go back.
Wrongo.
It feels humiliating. It feels like people expected me to go do some really Big Thing when I left and by coming back they will all see that I Am A Failure. Oh wait – that’s not what PEOPLE expected – that’s what I expected.
I didn’t do some really Big Thing. I did a lot of Small Things and went from being unbelievably stressed out to content. It’s been one of the best years of my entire life, in large part because I didn’t have a job.
Now that I have to go back to exactly where I was a year ago, a landslide of very sharp and heavy rocks has just buried my soul. The part where I feel lucky to find employment right now is missing. I know I need to find it, and find it quick. If you’ve seen it, leave me a note.
Five Things I’m Buying When I Get A Job
March 18th, 2009 Posted in Everything Else | 2 Comments »
I’ve been living frugally for a while now. After I left the corporate life, I knew I’d cut back on spending. It wasn’t very hard, since I was no longer surrounded by the beautiful people that had more influence on me than they should have. As time went on and it began to look like I’d need to go back to the corporate life, I cut back even more. Of course it would be easier to find a cure for cellulite than to find a job right now (and it would pay better).
I’ve never been a huge spender, but there are some things I really miss.
5. Towels. I only have one matching set and they are getting raggy. Of course they still work, so I can’t really justify going out and getting new ones just to make the bathroom look pretty. But I’d really like to retire the ones we’re using to the dogs and get some that are big, soft, and have all their threads where they were meant to be.
4. Underthings. See Towels.
3. A professional haircut. Yes, I’ve been cutting my own hair. It’s a mess but you can’t really tell unless you happen to be in the business. I pity the person who gets to clean it up.
2. A car wash. I used to buy a car wash a few times a month when I’d fill up with gas. I haven’t done that in at least a year now. When it rains, I try to get the car outside to wash off the grime. Unfortunately, it hasn’t rained in Denver for a loooong time now.
1. Shoes. Just a few pairs. I haven’t bought shoes in almost two years. I’m talking about dress shoes – I have one pair each of black, brown and blue. I’d love a red pair. With a pointy toe. Kitten heel. Size 9. Wide.
